Parenting Questions and Answers
Dear Evolved Parenting,
My 3 year old daughter is acting very jealous and sometimes violent since we welcomed our newborn son into our family. She sets the tone for each day and it seems like she’s running the house since we brought him home. How can I deal with her draining and bad behavior?
Melissa, Mother of 2
Dear Melissa,
Thanks for your letter - sounds like you're definitely one busy mom! In response to your question, I'd like to ask how you've disciplined your 3 year old in the past. Have you approached discipline as a form of punishment, or as an ongoing education? Using ongoing positive disciplining techniques such as redirecting, clear and concise rules and "Time-Away's" encourages autonomy and self-discipline with your children on an everyday basis. It is also important to consider your boundaries with your children. It is important that children know what to expect from their parent(s) with consistent and appropriate disciplining. If she is accustomed to receiving negative attention, infrequent disciplining or even no disciplining at all, she will reflect this negative attention in her behaviors. Although it might seem mundane and challenging especially with a newborn to care for, I encourage you to use positive disciplining techniques with her every day throughout the day to empower her to make good choices and have a high level of self-discipline.
Further thought to this question: Do you have strong boundaries with the people in your life? Or, do you ever feel like people take advantage of you? Having strong boundaries states to the world that you are proud of who you are, what you think and the things you do. Also, when you have strong boundaries you are not interested in pleasing others, you are free to say and think what you want (not what you ought to say, think and want), you are free to live your life being true to your word, your intuition and your personal truth. How do your everyday boundaries with the people in your life reflect how you set boundaries with your daughter? By creating a home environment with consistency and rules, your daughter will learn not to over-step your boundaries and will be empowered to make good choices.
Dear Evolved Parenting,
What do you mean by positive disciplining? I’ve read about Positive Reinforcements and Redirecting techniques and have tried them with my children but they don’t seem to work. My kids always seem to fall back to their bad behaviors. I’m also concerned if I will have the time and energy to use these strategies with all 3 of my children. Are these techniques effective and realistic in a family with only 1 child? Also, 1 of my children has a cognitive disability. Would these strategies work with her?
Sherry, Mother of 3
Dear Sherry,
Positive disciplining techniques are ongoing educational aides used by parents with their children to create a peaceful family environment. When used on a consistent and daily basis, positive disciplining strategies guide children toward a high level of self-discipline, self esteem and empowered choices. Positive disciplining is effective in all sizes of families and encourages autonomy in all of your children, regardless of age or abilities. Strategies such as positive reinforcements, problem solving, actively listening to your children and “Time-Away’s” are some of the positive disciplining techniques taught within Evolved Parenting. These positive techniques prove how disciplining is something parents do with and for children as opposed to being something done to children. Disciplining is meant to be educational, not forceful. Parents that use positive disciplining techniques are pro-active in their childcare approaches, have a high level of self-awareness and take personal responsibility for themselves. Positive disciplining is not difficult or time consuming. It simply takes practice to re-train our thinking and our words when disciplining our children. When positive disciplining is used on a daily and consistent basis, you will notice a positive difference in your children and in your overall family environment.
For further consideration on this topic, reflect on your own self-discipline. Would you say you are a fairly self-disciplined person? A self-disciplined person takes pride in her/him self (mind, body and spirit). Do you live according to a strong moral code and try your best at everything you do? Your level of self-discipline affects your children’s self-discipline. Confidence and pride in the way your conduct yourself in front of your children will only encourage a high level of self-discipline in your children.
Dear Evolved Parenting,
Sometimes I get very angry with my children which leaves me feeling guilty and like I’m a bad parent. Is this common and do you have any strategies to help parents “on the verge?”
Daniel, Father of 2
Dear Daniel,
Getting angry with your children is common and very real. Managing your anger is essential for the sake and safety of your children and your family. Why do you get angry with your children? What aspect of your life is off-balance for you to be taking your anger out on your children? It is important to look within yourself for the root of your anger and deal with it in an appropriate manner. Do your children see you managing your anger in an appropriate manner? What does your anger management model for your children? Would you be proud of your child if (s)he acted like you when (s)he gets angry? Evolved Parenting examines the cycle of anger between parent and child. When you consistently focus on what your child is doing wrong, you child will simply reflect what you are pointing out. They will act angry, become aggressive, withdraw, order parents around, talk back, and so on. As a result of this poor behavior, parents tend to get angry with their children, ignore any positive behavior, control by exerting inappropriate power and authority, and eventually burn out. On the other hand, when you provide your children with positive attention by using various positive disciplining techniques, they will in turn reflect positive behaviors and self-discipline. Once positive disciplining is consistently used, your children will have the tools for creating self-discipline and they will be empowered to make good choices.
If you find yourself losing control of your anger with your children, you must get help for the sake and safety of your children and family. Violence against children is unacceptable and inexcusable. If necessary, check your local resources for information on anger management support groups.
Ask a Question: jenny@evolvedparenting.ca